Spouse Gambling Problem

• 'If your partner's addiction is bad for your mate and your marriage, then if you are not actively against it, you are for it.' Dr. Joel Kotin, MD, How to Change Your Spouse and Save Your Marriage. Addiction in the Family. The pain of addiction is something that everyone within a family is familiar with.
• 'A University of Nebraska Medical Center study concluded that problem gambling is as much a risk factor for domestic violence as alcohol abuse. Domestic violence murders in at least 11 states have been traced to gambling problems since 1996.'.
• The Gambling Clinic A Cen4er- 1Cor- Se/1C-Chanse Working to help people gain control of their gambling. Coping with Your Spouse's Gambling Problem Consequences of gambling Problematic gambling has consequences not only for the gambler, but also for the spouse and family. Financial: Time and again, spouses find out about their partner's problematic.

Your partner or family member has a gambling problem if they are (tick the ones that apply): n Spending too much time gambling or too much time thinking about gambling, neglecting other important activities (e.g. Time with you and your family, work, leisure activities). NGambling to try to escape worries, low mood & problems.

• Dr. David B. HawkinsThe Relationship Doctor
• 200918 Feb

Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family? Dr. David will address questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Dear Dr. David,

I am writing out of frustration because of my wife's shopping habit. We've been married for fifteen years, and ever since we've been married she's had an addiction to shopping. It would be one thing if she spent a reasonable amount of money on keeping up her wardrobe, but it seems like her problem is getting worse. She spends more than we can afford, sneaks money to buy clothes and then returns many of the things she buys. When I confront her about her spending she gets incredibly defensive. We can't talk about the problem without getting into horrible fights. The more she spends, and then hides her spending, the more I distrust her. I feel like my marriage is slipping away, and I don't know what to do about it. She wants to treat it like nothing is wrong, yet my love for her is in danger. I'm about ready to give up on our marriage, yet don't want to lose her. But, I can't live like this any longer. I've read that this is a common problem, but if my wife won't admit the problem, and if she won't even talk to me about it, what can I do? Please help. ~ Going Broke

Dear Broke,

There are several issues that need to be addressed in your letter. Let's take them one at a time.

The fact that your wife is secretive about her spending, and won't allow you to confront her about it, is alarming. You're right to call it an addiction, because secrecy and dishonesty are two of the hallmarks of addiction. Your wife's spending is out of control and she undoubtedly knows it, thus leading to her secrecy and dishonesty.

This problem needs to be treated like any other addiction. While our culture is quick to label addictions to alcohol and drugs, we are slower to confront addictions to processes, such as shopping, gambling and eating, to name a few. Nonetheless, as your letter indicates, any addiction can be extremely debilitating and damaging to a relationship. I'm not surprised to hear that your trust for your wife is declining and your love for her is in jeopardy. This is the path of any addiction.

Now, what can be done about it?

First, it is important that you read about, and thoroughly understand the process of addiction. Knowledge and wisdom are critical first steps when facing any problem.

Second, after educating yourself about addictions, and knowing that your wife may continue to deny and minimize her problem, you must discontinue arguing with her about her problem. Her resistance to information, or intervention, further indicates an addiction. Addicts deny and minimize their problems, making those who confront them feel crazy. Armed with knowledge about this process, you'll be less likely to fight with her. You won't win this battle by convincing her of her problem. She must come to that realization on her own.

Third, prepare to take a tough stand. Addicts must reach their 'bottom,' where their addiction no longer works for them. Your wife shops for a variety of 'reasons,' and will likely give it up very reluctantly, and only when she must. The question will be whether she values her marriage more than her addiction, and only she can answer that. In the meantime, you must set a firm boundary—she must seek treatment for her addiction if she is to remain married to you. Also, I would suggest you seek out a trusted financial advisor. It will take time for your wife to conquer her addiction, and in the meantime, you do not want to be facing financial ruin.

Fourth, you must be prepared to take on the role of support and encouragement, not blaming and discouragement. Blame and shame are not helpful, as she undoubtedly already feels ashamed of her situation. While she will initially resent you for taking a stand, sometime in the future she'll thank you for your strength.

Finally, let her know, firmly, that you are taking this stand because you love her. Remind her that you're committed to her and will seek help with her. Let her know that you are open to exploring any role you might play in her problems and the unhappiness that may be fueling her addiction, while remaining firm that an intervention is critically necessary.

Is your spouse currently dealing with a gambling problem, and you can't figure out why they're behaving the way they are?

There are lots of people that can go out to a casino and enjoy the fun in gambling whether they win or lose.

However, there are other individuals who over the course of time develop an addiction to gambling that can ultimately tear apart their lives.

From the outside looking in, it seems as if a person should be able to control their actions – especially when the consequences are severe.

Be that as it may, compulsive gambling and/or addiction are progressive and complicated illnesses that eventually grow beyond their control.

Understanding What Compulsive Gambling is

Winning is something that we all hope to do when we gamble (or compete on some level). When we actually do win, there's an instant feeling of thrill and accomplishment.

These overwhelming feelings are triggered by chemicals released into the 'feel good' section of the brain. Naturally, the brain wants to feel this feeling again and thus begins to actions of repetitive gambling.

What was once a monthly trip to the casino then becomes gambling online and/or betting on sports. The more you win, the more you want to gamble. The more you lose the more you want to win again. Eventually, it is out of your control and the brain simply feels it 'needs' to win in order to feel good again.

Some might assume that if they can be satisfied with gambling on occasion, so should those who suffer from compulsive gambling or an addiction. However, it is important to point out that everyone is different and thus can be affected by gambling in a different way.

While one person could develop an addiction after gambling for the first time, others may not develop an addiction for several years. There are varying factors that determine when a person may or may not develop an addiction.

Signs Of a Gambling Problem

After fully understanding the meaning of a compulsive gambler or a gambling addict, the next step in helping your loved one with their issue is to educate yourself on the warning signs.

Below are a few of these signs to consider:

• Has your spouse started gambling more than usual?
• Are they spending money that you don't have to spend on gambling?
• Do they gamble despite your concern?
• Does gambling keep them from completing daily responsibilities at home and/or at work?
• Have they begun to lie about their gambling activities in an effort to keep you off their back?
• Have they begun stealing and/or committing fraud as a means to get money to gamble?
• Do they ask others for small loans and use it to gamble (or to cover gambling debts)?

If you've recognized any of these signs in your spouse, you will need to address the matter so that you can get them assistance with their illness.

Approaching Your Loved One

Dealing with the realization that your spouse may have a gambling problem can be a hard pill to swallow.

Prior to approaching them on the subject matter, it may be ideal that you first take a few deep breaths and equip yourself with resourceful information on gambling addictions. When you do approach your spouse, it will be important that you approach him with love and concern and not from a place of pain or anger.

When you're dealing with something as serious as addiction, you must handle it delicately to ensure that what you have to say does not seem like an ambush. Below are a few tips on talking with a loved one:

· Sort through your feelings first – the moment you realize there is a gambling problem, you don't want to address the issue right then.

Spouse Gambling Problem

Take the time to ensure that you're fully educated on addiction and how to best help your loved one prior to having a discussion.

· Be an effective communicator – when you're dealing with something as serious as addiction it is important that you do as much listening as you do talking.

If your loved one is made to feel like all you're doing is pointing fingers, they may be reluctant to confide in you, or even worse, refuse to get help.

· Share what you've learned – After having addressed your concerns with your loved one, and having listened to their feelings on the matter, sharing what you've learned about gambling addiction is a great way to show them you care.

You can discuss what addiction is, what the warning signs are, and the various ways to get help.

Getting Help

There are several methods in which you can get help for your spouse and their gambling addiction. There is essentially talking with a therapist, going with a rehab facility for outpatient treatment options, or going for long term care inpatient treatment options.

While everyone has a different path to recovery, Prescotthouse.net, a rehab facility for men, discusses why long term treatment is ideal for optimal recovery. After deciding which route you're going to take, reaching out to the best service provider right away is ideal.

The sooner your loved one can get help, the better off they'll be.

Dealing with mental illness of any kind can be traumatic not only for the person suffering from the illness, but for the family as well.

If your spouse is currently struggling with a gambling problem, or any form of addiction, it is ideal that you first educate yourself, recognize the signs, and approach them in a loving and supportive way.

Spouse With Gambling Problem

When they're ready to change, knowing that they have you in their corner to get help will make their recovery that much more successful.

Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family? Dr. David will address questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Dear Dr. David,

I am writing out of frustration because of my wife's shopping habit. We've been married for fifteen years, and ever since we've been married she's had an addiction to shopping. It would be one thing if she spent a reasonable amount of money on keeping up her wardrobe, but it seems like her problem is getting worse. She spends more than we can afford, sneaks money to buy clothes and then returns many of the things she buys. When I confront her about her spending she gets incredibly defensive. We can't talk about the problem without getting into horrible fights. The more she spends, and then hides her spending, the more I distrust her. I feel like my marriage is slipping away, and I don't know what to do about it. She wants to treat it like nothing is wrong, yet my love for her is in danger. I'm about ready to give up on our marriage, yet don't want to lose her. But, I can't live like this any longer. I've read that this is a common problem, but if my wife won't admit the problem, and if she won't even talk to me about it, what can I do? Please help. ~ Going Broke

Dear Broke,

There are several issues that need to be addressed in your letter. Let's take them one at a time.

The fact that your wife is secretive about her spending, and won't allow you to confront her about it, is alarming. You're right to call it an addiction, because secrecy and dishonesty are two of the hallmarks of addiction. Your wife's spending is out of control and she undoubtedly knows it, thus leading to her secrecy and dishonesty.

This problem needs to be treated like any other addiction. While our culture is quick to label addictions to alcohol and drugs, we are slower to confront addictions to processes, such as shopping, gambling and eating, to name a few. Nonetheless, as your letter indicates, any addiction can be extremely debilitating and damaging to a relationship. I'm not surprised to hear that your trust for your wife is declining and your love for her is in jeopardy. This is the path of any addiction.

Now, what can be done about it?

First, it is important that you read about, and thoroughly understand the process of addiction. Knowledge and wisdom are critical first steps when facing any problem.

Second, after educating yourself about addictions, and knowing that your wife may continue to deny and minimize her problem, you must discontinue arguing with her about her problem. Her resistance to information, or intervention, further indicates an addiction. Addicts deny and minimize their problems, making those who confront them feel crazy. Armed with knowledge about this process, you'll be less likely to fight with her. You won't win this battle by convincing her of her problem. She must come to that realization on her own.

Third, prepare to take a tough stand. Addicts must reach their 'bottom,' where their addiction no longer works for them. Your wife shops for a variety of 'reasons,' and will likely give it up very reluctantly, and only when she must. The question will be whether she values her marriage more than her addiction, and only she can answer that. In the meantime, you must set a firm boundary—she must seek treatment for her addiction if she is to remain married to you. Also, I would suggest you seek out a trusted financial advisor. It will take time for your wife to conquer her addiction, and in the meantime, you do not want to be facing financial ruin.

Fourth, you must be prepared to take on the role of support and encouragement, not blaming and discouragement. Blame and shame are not helpful, as she undoubtedly already feels ashamed of her situation. While she will initially resent you for taking a stand, sometime in the future she'll thank you for your strength.

Finally, let her know, firmly, that you are taking this stand because you love her. Remind her that you're committed to her and will seek help with her. Let her know that you are open to exploring any role you might play in her problems and the unhappiness that may be fueling her addiction, while remaining firm that an intervention is critically necessary.

Is your spouse currently dealing with a gambling problem, and you can't figure out why they're behaving the way they are?

There are lots of people that can go out to a casino and enjoy the fun in gambling whether they win or lose.

However, there are other individuals who over the course of time develop an addiction to gambling that can ultimately tear apart their lives.

From the outside looking in, it seems as if a person should be able to control their actions – especially when the consequences are severe.

Be that as it may, compulsive gambling and/or addiction are progressive and complicated illnesses that eventually grow beyond their control.

Understanding What Compulsive Gambling is

Winning is something that we all hope to do when we gamble (or compete on some level). When we actually do win, there's an instant feeling of thrill and accomplishment.

These overwhelming feelings are triggered by chemicals released into the 'feel good' section of the brain. Naturally, the brain wants to feel this feeling again and thus begins to actions of repetitive gambling.

What was once a monthly trip to the casino then becomes gambling online and/or betting on sports. The more you win, the more you want to gamble. The more you lose the more you want to win again. Eventually, it is out of your control and the brain simply feels it 'needs' to win in order to feel good again.

Some might assume that if they can be satisfied with gambling on occasion, so should those who suffer from compulsive gambling or an addiction. However, it is important to point out that everyone is different and thus can be affected by gambling in a different way.

While one person could develop an addiction after gambling for the first time, others may not develop an addiction for several years. There are varying factors that determine when a person may or may not develop an addiction.

Signs Of a Gambling Problem

After fully understanding the meaning of a compulsive gambler or a gambling addict, the next step in helping your loved one with their issue is to educate yourself on the warning signs.

Below are a few of these signs to consider:

• Has your spouse started gambling more than usual?
• Are they spending money that you don't have to spend on gambling?
• Do they gamble despite your concern?
• Does gambling keep them from completing daily responsibilities at home and/or at work?
• Have they begun to lie about their gambling activities in an effort to keep you off their back?
• Have they begun stealing and/or committing fraud as a means to get money to gamble?
• Do they ask others for small loans and use it to gamble (or to cover gambling debts)?

If you've recognized any of these signs in your spouse, you will need to address the matter so that you can get them assistance with their illness.

Approaching Your Loved One

Dealing with the realization that your spouse may have a gambling problem can be a hard pill to swallow.

Prior to approaching them on the subject matter, it may be ideal that you first take a few deep breaths and equip yourself with resourceful information on gambling addictions. When you do approach your spouse, it will be important that you approach him with love and concern and not from a place of pain or anger.

When you're dealing with something as serious as addiction, you must handle it delicately to ensure that what you have to say does not seem like an ambush. Below are a few tips on talking with a loved one:

· Sort through your feelings first – the moment you realize there is a gambling problem, you don't want to address the issue right then.

Spouse Gambling Problem

Take the time to ensure that you're fully educated on addiction and how to best help your loved one prior to having a discussion.

· Be an effective communicator – when you're dealing with something as serious as addiction it is important that you do as much listening as you do talking.

If your loved one is made to feel like all you're doing is pointing fingers, they may be reluctant to confide in you, or even worse, refuse to get help.

· Share what you've learned – After having addressed your concerns with your loved one, and having listened to their feelings on the matter, sharing what you've learned about gambling addiction is a great way to show them you care.

You can discuss what addiction is, what the warning signs are, and the various ways to get help.

Getting Help

There are several methods in which you can get help for your spouse and their gambling addiction. There is essentially talking with a therapist, going with a rehab facility for outpatient treatment options, or going for long term care inpatient treatment options.

While everyone has a different path to recovery, Prescotthouse.net, a rehab facility for men, discusses why long term treatment is ideal for optimal recovery. After deciding which route you're going to take, reaching out to the best service provider right away is ideal.

The sooner your loved one can get help, the better off they'll be.

Dealing with mental illness of any kind can be traumatic not only for the person suffering from the illness, but for the family as well.

If your spouse is currently struggling with a gambling problem, or any form of addiction, it is ideal that you first educate yourself, recognize the signs, and approach them in a loving and supportive way.

Spouse With Gambling Problem

When they're ready to change, knowing that they have you in their corner to get help will make their recovery that much more successful.

This post was contributed by writer, Christine Michaels.